Bummer

there are no dreams coming true,

no silver lining

nor pot of gold

i have followed the rainbow

i have boldly tripped 

along the yellow brick road

and the trip doesn’t go like in the movie

what you seek 

isn’t just ”right where you are”

it’s nowhere

because the problem 

is the seeking

in the first place

the wanting, the longing

that’s the flawed premise we all start with

the feeling of incompleteness

of “if i only had this or that

or lived under such and such conditions...

i would be alright.”

and the truth is

we are NOT alright

we are NOT

alright

and that longing never goes away

and that separateness

never ceases

and the useless pointless 

nature of existence

never stops hurting

we only grow accustomed 

to the pain.

Stop Making Sense II

blank, that’s what i start and end with

all the jumble i fill my mouth with

my life,

my environment

the books, and movies

theories and meaningless

philosophical discussions

all add up to

sifting dust

through a sieve

no point

no substance

to fill the time 

maybe

to distract

definitely

because this blankness

is so easy

that it takes constant concentration

it is the effortless

constant effort

to come back

to nothing

where something can begin

and be made.

am i making sense?

i know there is no combination of words

that can add up to sense.

only nothing

has meaning

only silence makes music

only laughter

can heal tears

only death

can make life a reality

only love can illuminate darkness.

the Devil is at hand

waiting for his dark evil chance 

to separate

even those who would be allies

and it is we

who are not diligent

who take a wrong turn

and suddenly miles down the road

wake up

crying

from a nightmare

we just made real

by our lack of attention

by our willingness to be lead

instead of walk firmly

with purpose

with decision

with direction

er str do bulnrtsnlr

do humsn

do frsg

yo yhr vsll

yhsy vomrd gtom eiyhin

do vlodr

snf slmody insufinlr

i sm dsf yofsy

vsn hou hrst mr vsllinh`/

 i nrrf `you

nrrf vomgoty, vondolsyion

nrrf s ntrsk

nrrf domr yimr

nrrf yo trvobrt

nrrf yo grrl, grrl

yhsy yhrtr’d domryhinh i sm hrtr got

sd i grrl mydrlg bsnidh

sd i gnyidixr mydrlg s million milrd

gtom yhr psin vhokinh my yhtosy

see, it makes no sense.

nothing

only nothing,

makes any sense

at all.

Jealous, much?

i would rather tear out your eyes
pull out the last of your hair
rip you limb from limb
fuck you so hard
your dick fell off
devour your legs
and burn off your arms
tear your fingers from your hands
one by one

and then throw myself
into the deepest ocean
to be eaten by sharks
and then dissembled
by piranha
and then dissolve
into a million
nameless
molecules
burned by the sun
then evaporated
into the clouds
and returned to the earth
in the most violent
of hurricanes

ripping the palms
and palapas
and sand banks from the shore

upturning the entire land mass
in a giant tsunami
wiping out entire populations

doing away with life itself
not just mine
but all life
all being
all feeling
all joy
and all tears
the babies
and the laughter of children
the toothless old people
and the mindless fools

obliterating existence
and disintegrating
into the mind of G-d
who created this mess to begin with

than to share you with another.

Too Much Love

why does it hurt to love?
why can I gaze into my sons face
and feel in my gut his angst, his worry
his sadness and disappointments

does love mean to carry the pain of another?
does it mean that the disease in their spirit
is transfered to your own?

is love something we can choose to do
or not do?

is love a matter of degrees?
in spanish it is, in english
loving pizza and loving people
are the same thing

once your destiny has been tied to a person
can it be untied?

once you have loved
will you ever unlove that person?
or will their pain always be yours?

maybe that is the point of monogamy
to not take on more than we can handle.

we who know sacrifice
who know pain
have born it
and still take on more

we whose hearts are open
we who take compassion too far
we who give too much
we who are compelled to
put band aids on all the wounds
of the world

we are at risk
of being flattened
under the weight
of so much love.

Stop Making Sense

the world would be
an infinitely better place
if none of us had mouths

they, not the love of money,
are the root of all evil
the origin of all misunderstanding
the seeds from which all lies spring

the world would be so much more lovely
if none of us had tongues
to lash each other with
to inflect pain
and heartache
insults, criticisms and judgements

if only we were born without ears
the shit that fills them
day in and day out
would have no effect
whatsoever

and if we had no eyes
we wouldn’t see the filth
the broken limbs
and torn faces
destroyed by enemies bombs

or the look of disdain
in our lovers face
when they love they once felt
has faded.

touching.
touching is okay.
safe i think.
as long as what is touching you
is not a curled fist,
a metal belt buckle,
or a stray bullet

no. maybe touching should go too.

and tasting is out,
because the tongue that
tastes

is the same one that can kill
with a careless word.

we should just stop making sense.
the only way to perceive
is with the heart
because the other five
work together to create
an illusion
that we cling to as real.

the heart knows
what is real.

the heart doesn’t need
to hear or see or feel.

it receives
with no outside help.

it could do its job
much better
if our senses
would just get out of its way.

homeless

to all the nomadic peoples of the world
the berbers and gypsies and the batwas
and especially my people, the Jews.

not the ones in Israel today
who i don't understand
and can't relate to

don't speak their language
don't speak war or hate
or genocide

can't imagine doing unto others
what's been done to you

i mean the israelites
the ones who left Egypt
left oppression
in a rush
no time to pack your toothbrush
or let the bread rise
get out now, don't look back

i did that
walked away
from oppression and pain and suffering
and despair and slavery
i ran

the only way to run is light

i left it all behind
and hoofed it out of town
two legs and a thumb
were my ticket to freedom
and i'll never go back
and i don't regret it

but i have to be honest with you
it's not fun
being homeless

it's not fun
packing the few belongings
i've since acquired
ones i had only yesterday
found a special, 'just right' place for
it's not fun
not being able
to put down roots
rest my head
and know i'll be resting it
in the same place
tomorrow and the next day and the next

it's not fun
being a pariah, an outcast
while those words are not exact
since the one who cast out was me

i cast the whole world out
and now i'm left with just me

i pray for a home
long for a home
and yet

He knows if i were to have one
i would forget him
i would believe in my own autonomy
i would reclaim dominion over my destiny
as if i really could hold the reins
as if i really could steer the ship
roll the dice
and get double sixes, every time

when you're homeless
you KNOW that a power greater than yourSELF
is sustaining you
you CAN FEEL and almost SEE the angels that surround you

you can HEAR His voice in the whisper of the wind
or the roar of the sea
or wherever you happen to be
at the time.

from Wikipedia.org

Many Berbers call themselves some variant of the word Imazighen (singular: Amazigh), possibly meaning "free people" or "free and noble men"

In between

in between time,
in between action,
in between drama.

quiet nothing,
absence of ...

there is a silence in my ears
in my body
in my gut.

not even waiting,
for even waiting is action.

just being
in the truest sense of the word.

being effortlessly
not searching
or seeking
not trying
or pleading
analyzing
demanding
thinking
nothing.
silence.

it's okay.
maybe this is it;
Nirvana
or what Kurt Cobain felt
after he pulled the trigger
nothing.
floating
effortless
wakeful dreaming
no need to pinch
myself.
my.self.
has lost its meaning.
not in a bad way.
since bad ceased to exist.
in an is way.
have I made MY.self clear?

Today Won't End

i want to be alone.
not give reasons for why i am engulfed
in hopelessness.

me. who would never give up hope.
because it is my birthright; the name i was given
so i would never lack for it.

but it is failing me
at least for today.
hope is gone.

and i wish i were gone with her.

why can’t i plant a seed and be there to watch it grow?
why is there no place on this earth for me?
why has my right to live been taken from me?

why must i go on?
to what end? for what purpose?

today is a day in which there are no answers
to life’s most difficult unanswerable questions.

today is a day heavy with sorrow, despair.
today i would be anyone but me.
i would lie down and sleep so as to disappear.
i would take a walk; just leave for a few minutes
and never reappear in anyone’s life again.

today won’t end. and i won’t end it.

If

if i were a surgeon
i would cut open my own stomach
and remove the half ton of rocks that
somehow, when i wasn’t watching
found their way in there.

if i were a doctor,
i would listen to my heart
and confirm that its beat
was dangerously slow and pitiful.

if i were a dancer
i would retire,
knowing that my career was over,
for there is no joy left in me.

if i were a singer, which thank g-d i’m not
i would burn my guitar, along with my sheet music
and tear off my ears and lips and tongue
knowing that any need i ever had for them
was no more.

Wandering

wandering aimfully
one foot meaningfully placed in front of the other.
as if blind, as if deaf,
with only a tingle in my middle to
lead me on.

scary. yet better.
infinitely more accurate
than all the plans i ever made
bringing me daily closer
to my life’s purpose

makes no sense,
i have stopped wishing it would.

i only smile with the constant moments
of synchronicity.

the flow of irrational blessings.

the joy of not knowing, the relief
of not being responsible
nor needing to judge,

good things, bad things
fortune or curse

knowing its ALL in the plan.

My Son

my son is an enigma
his face a pool of expressive mystery
his smile elusive, and yet so enveloping
disarming

i wish i could stay angry.
his power over me,
to hurt me, when he snubs me
is overwhelming.

if he could only feel what i feel.
walk in my shoes.
carry around my bleeding heart in his chest.
just a moment.

if we could only be free to love each other
without reserve,
as we once did.
when there were no walls, no barriers,
no past, no baggage

only the moment
in which we held each other
read books,
sang songs,
played, ran and jumped

before i was crazy
before i was erratic
before i was a danger for him to be around.

when i used to be his Sun,
and he my Son.

Today is Paisley

Today is a day unlike any other
Today there is a woman
walking towards me
with a red paisley sweater
and a black and white flowered skirt
and sunglasses.

Her purse is happily striped
and boasts huge sunflowers.

She is unique.
I will never know her
or her significance.

Her life is a mystery;
as mysterious as my own.
She makes no sense.
Nothing does,
nor does it have to.

image information:
"Lower Case e"
Helaine Milliman
mixed media , page dimensions 8" x 10"
(matted)

Smoke

Ode to a Cigarette

You are a guilty pleasure
I crave you
when I am hungry
for love, or comfort
when I want to be held,
caressed.

I take your filter in
like the tiniest of penises.
My mouth engulfs you
I suck it all in, all down
into the depths of me...

But I’m sorry to say,
you are a poor substitute.

Nothing Works

Nothing you TRY to do works.
It's like pushing a boulder up a steep hill,
like doing the breaststroke
headlong into a mighty river current.
It's like picking a scab so the wound heals faster,
only to start the healing process all over,
this time with a scar.

Today, I feel like a scar.

Whatever the lesson is,
I'll never learn it
and I'm so tired.
tired of running
and tired of staying
wishing i could just be still
and be at peace.

Going back doesn't feel like a celebration.

Feels more like going home
after taking a wicked beating
and admitting in silence
that you were a coward.

Am I? A coward?

Responsible

Cancer is spreading
So many people have it
In their breasts and throats,
brains and balls.

It’s really death.

Death is spreading.
A death that begins in the spirit,
long before it manifests physically.

Cancer is yeast.
It is fed and multiplies
with every angry, resentful
repressed, bitter day
that passes.

And what about the innocent children
who haven’t had time to become bitter?

I say,
we are all responsible.

Heaven

There is a non-stop flurry of energy around me;
people rushing to and fro,
to and from very important obligations,
paying heed to all the ‘shoulds’
they were ever charged with.

It’s easier that way;
no need to think...
the invisible force of obligation is constantly pushing
from behind.

The cacophony blocks out
the quiet whisper
of a Spirit which pulls
in the direction
of the Unknown, the Mysterious,
the Marvelous, the Unimaginable.
The Fabulous realization of the
Wildest Dreams of the G-ds.

If they only knew what they were missing,
If they only knew how easy it is
to live in Heaven.

Ghost

I am a ghost
wandering among the ‘living’
people see me and they are startled
don’t trust their eyes

I like it this way

I am untouchable
I am free

You can’t hurt a ghost
and the hurt once done
stays in the past
to haunt the living
while the spirit who once suffered the pain
roams free.

Back

I carry on my back
the weight of a man
who carries on his back
the weight of the world.



My back hurts.




I’m tempted to shrug.

Sometimes it’s more than I can bear.

And then I remember
the G-ds gave me this job
because I am a goddess, too.
Because all my life I’ve been trained
to handle it.
And all that was just
dress rehearsal.

I’ve graduated to the status of deity,
with super powers that strengthen me
to tolerate that which mere mortals
could never bear.

I can bear the not knowing.

I can bear the blasts of angry energy.

I can bear the insatiable need.

I can bear the demands for nothing less than
perfection.

I can even bear not being the only one.

I can bear all this,
and whatever else may come.

Song of God

A song is written in a moment
in a flash
G-d speaks and those that hear,
sing.

It is the tune of life with which
we should all harmonize daily.

It’s crazy to shut Him out;
shut out the Light;
hide in vain from He
that is omnipresent.

I sing because I’m happy.
I sing because I’m free.

You are all to me.

Not My Will

who am i without you?
every time i make a move in that direction;
to individuate, establish myself
apart from you,
my efforts are thwarted, sabotaged,
come to naught.

the universe is adamant that i belong to you.

that my path is lit by the beacon
of your heart.
that my direction is that which you lead me in.

so not me.
difficult to swallow,
my pride is KILLING ME in this moment.

it will kill me if i hold on to it.

i want so badly to call the shots.
lead the band,
strategize and plan,
get you ahead of the game,
on my terms, on my time frame,
with my effort,
so maybe then it will be MY victory.

not yours.

after all you've been through.

how could i?

do i have the guts to get off the
road of Good Intentions?

do i have the humility to be
behind the scenes?

can i allow my glory to come from
a source that's silent,
my praises whispered by angels?

The Palms

palm trees whisper your name
the realness is crisp
it grounds me to watch
the wispy graceful palm
writhe and sway with the wind.

i seek you.
seek to hear and feel you.

want to be in you,
be one with you,
no separation

you reflect me

whatever ails me,
you can calm and soothe.

your grandness and majesty
can take my breath away,
make my heart ache
with the longing
that only immense beauty provokes.

i am happy now.
i can stare at the crisp palms forever.

Cruising

i remember now,
if i go where i’ve always gone,
see who i’ve always seen,
say what i’ve always said,
laugh at the same jokes,
repeating the same lines,
eating the same dish at the same restaurant,

i will eliminate contrast in my life.
spontaneity will be a big word in the dictionary.
surprise will be a fondly remembered concept.

i remember now,
that life is meant to flow,
like a river,

not cruise,
like a car
on automatic.

Wanting

enfadada, hot, asquiada.
waiting for something.
the most active activity is the slight movement of a tree bathed in yellow blossoms.
almost no movement at all.
normal i guess, for life in the desert.
as it should be.
yet incompatible with life as it would be.
i long to soar. miss the adrenalin. want to know what’s next.

longing to feel it’s all for something.
that there’s a higher cause. meaning. something that at some point will be measurable.
and i will get my gold star.

If you are a mime

i have limitless freedom.
as if i were retired.
or an as-yet untamed toddler.

i can do what i want. go where i want to go.
my only responsibility to feed and cloth and fuck (oops! ‘make love to’) a man
who i like love respect and admire.
if he’s okay, i’m okay.
sounds too good to be true.

i don’t make lunches, or do homework.
i don’t get up at dawn and rush to make it before the gates close.
i don’t set alarms.
i don’t attend mandatory meetings.
i don’t participate in a world that runs on musts and shoulds.
i have stepped outside its boundaries, never ever to return.

my cell phone is no longer my master.
my email goes days unread.
peoples expectations may continue to exist in their own minds,
but they can’t be pushed on me.

i’m free, fuck you all.
i know you’re jealous and want to cage me because you can’t be me.

the realities that confine you are of your own making.
like the walls of a mime.
transparent, imaginary, but very real.
if you’re a mime.

Masks

Sunday
in guadalajara
breakfast in a busy hotel restaurant
relaxed faces
happy chatter
happy chewing
buffet evaporating

for me every day is Sunday
every day is a day to just be
every day is a chance to relax over my breakfast
enjoy the scenery
and appreciate living

i am lucky, few know this joy
people think i must suffer
that it must be a trial
to love the man i love
that assuredly i am mistreated
they may even suspect
that my body hides bruises
underneath my clothes

people believe what they see with their eyes
they are unaware that things are almost never as they appear
that we all wear masks
well, most

but not him.

Everybody's eating ice cream

everybody’s eating ice cream.
i don’t eat ice cream.
i am free to take care of myself.
so i choose not to participate in massive sugar addiction.

people find it oh so strange.
“just one piece of cake, just a bite...”
“sugar in your coffee”
...or in your catsup, your crackers, your cereal,
your 100% natural juice, your whole wheat bread.

look closely, you’ll find the insidious little drug
hidden in almost everything.

everybody’s eating ice cream.
and it might be strange,
but not me.

Day by day

one day at a time
one moment at a time
one feeling at a time
one inspiration at a time
one breath at a time
one tear at a time
one fear at a time
one path at a time
one life at a time
one love at a time

el que mucho abarca poco aprieta
when you grasp too much, you risk losing it all

we are not meant to know the future
the future takes care of itself
god takes care of us
day by day
moment by moment
fear by fear
breath by breath

we are his children
we shall for nothing wont
all good things are within our grasp
blessings abound

i am waiting for the next step
the next move
the next inspiration
that feeling that tells me where to go
what to say
who to talk to
which way to walk
which way to turn
moment by moment
breath by breath
day by day

Every breath

many are called few are chosen
the work is arduous
the patience must be infinite
we are here to do g-ds will
however illogical that may sound
whatever the instructions
turn left or right
do this do that
walking by real faith
means putting your mind in blank
and moving as if there were a holy wind pushing from behind
and it is there
to hold us up
to lift us when we fall
to make sure we stay on track
so the plan beyond our human comprehension
can be carried out.

to be a vessel is the greatest gift,
a tool or a weapon in God’s hands
to be a part of the birthing of a new state of being.

free of ego, yet infinitely confident
moldable, yet firm
whole, yet empty.

filled with Divine Spirit
with every breath we take.